I had kinda a rough summer. I started our first weekend of vacation by feeling like I was passing out while driving on the highway. The next day something similar happened and I ended up at Urgent Care, then getting a real Dr (I haven’t had one in years), and a physical and a list of appointments and a therapist and lots of other fun stuff for “panic attacks”… We still had a great vacation away from school but I was a little relieved when it was time for the girls to go back so we’d all have a routine.
For the past 4 months I haven’t been able to pinpoint something that was stressing me out or making me feel anxious and dread just about every activity I had to do, I just figured it was a little bit of everything. It did cross my mind that it could be some sort of virus or an inner ear thing, because really – what do *I* have to be anxious about? The Dr said she really felt it was general anxiety, but hey let’s take a little more blood and rule out a few more things. After 2 and a half additional weeks of waiting, all the results are in and it was Lyme Disease. Maybe. Let’s wait another month and take some new blood. Nope, negative – don’t have it, never had it, carry on.
That wasn’t a valid answer for me. Where I do feel loads better, I do not feel good. I do not feel even close to good, or even normal.
Lyme Disease would explain a lot of little naggy things that I haven’t complained about too much (I hope!) – My “sprained” ankle from early June that just won’t stop aching (it’s not sprained, it’s probably arthritis), when the tech read the initial x-ray he mentioned that he saw a little arthritis but no big deal… When I had my physical I had a low fever and I blamed it on maybe having a little cold… My insomnia at 3a eight nights out of 10 and the weird exhaustion that I feel around 7p, like I cannot stand up or do one more thing for one more second (other than stare at the television or watch my twitter feed scroll by), joint stiffness that I blamed on needing to lose a few lbs (I still need to lose a few lbs, but now I don’t think it’s causing my achiness!)
So what now? I have a lot of questions and I feel like I still have a long road ahead to be myself again. Starting with a new doctor who won’t dismiss me with a fistful of antidepressants and the phone number to Weight Watchers. If it’s not Lyme Disease, I need to know what it is.
I can’t help but see how sparse my blog has been, which is not super for a brand ambassador! I haven’t been paying attention to my craft business and I haven’t been motivated to contact the other businesses who ask me to do work occasionally. I haven’t been reaching out to my friends to chat or visit, I’m not volunteering the ways I used to, I’m just… bleh. The therapist says that whatever I can do each day, I have to see as a success. Some days I can get all the things done… the work, the errands, the responsibilities and obligations. Other days everyone is clean and fed and where they need to be and loved and if that’s all I can do, that’s more than good enough. So here I am on this little journey. I’ll try not to moan too much about my aches and pains and I can’t wait for the day that I say man, I feel great!